A week ago I delivered an ultimatum to my husband - either he pursue some further assistance for himself and make efforts to explore his condition psychologically, rather than just from a bodily perspective, or else we'd have to think about whether our paths might need to diverse in the future. I asked him, quite simply, to do it for me. Even if he didn't believe there was a single benefit to be had by exploring his mind for answers, I wanted him to do it for me.
He responded to that and at this stage he has agreed to pursue it immediately. That is to say, we've had conversations in the past where he agreed to do this but he did not follow through. In other words, it was a hollow promise. So, this time I made the appointment and gave him the necessary information.
What we are dealing with is his overall malaise but also we are dealing with the fact that I have a kink and he does not. After so long, once the Pandora's box was opened it was never going to satisfactorily close, and my kink remains. I don't anticipate that it will ever go away. I crave to be lovingly dominated. I crave for my whole self to be present in my life, day by day.
Life without sex as I'd like it to be is hard. Life with very little sexual activity at all, as if we are living together as very good friends, borders on insufferable for me. I know that millions of couples end up this way somewhat satisfactorily, but it is something I am finding too hard to bear.
I've been to my doctor to talk about this situation and he's referred me back to my psychologist whom I will see tomorrow. I plan to be much more direct with her about who I am and what I need in my life. I will not leave my school aged son prematurely but I cannot and will not live a life that demands that I quash my kink on all but the oddest occasions.
I did not ask for this kink and nor can I do much about it. As it has been denied expression it simply grows in hunger and a demand to be expressed. There is no answer in denying its existence, either via my efforts to assure myself I will be all right (I won't), nor by my husband's going about our lives as if it did not exist and as if he has no part to play.
Further (and more truthful and explicit) therapy hopefully will hold the key as to where we go from here, but the simply truths are that:
1) I have a kink/fetish that requires a loving dominant in my life.
2) It doesn't go away by willing it to do so.
3) Either my partner in life is willing to accommodate my kink in his life or he is not.
4) I must make decisions about the rest of my life based on the above criteria.
He responded to that and at this stage he has agreed to pursue it immediately. That is to say, we've had conversations in the past where he agreed to do this but he did not follow through. In other words, it was a hollow promise. So, this time I made the appointment and gave him the necessary information.
What we are dealing with is his overall malaise but also we are dealing with the fact that I have a kink and he does not. After so long, once the Pandora's box was opened it was never going to satisfactorily close, and my kink remains. I don't anticipate that it will ever go away. I crave to be lovingly dominated. I crave for my whole self to be present in my life, day by day.
Life without sex as I'd like it to be is hard. Life with very little sexual activity at all, as if we are living together as very good friends, borders on insufferable for me. I know that millions of couples end up this way somewhat satisfactorily, but it is something I am finding too hard to bear.
I've been to my doctor to talk about this situation and he's referred me back to my psychologist whom I will see tomorrow. I plan to be much more direct with her about who I am and what I need in my life. I will not leave my school aged son prematurely but I cannot and will not live a life that demands that I quash my kink on all but the oddest occasions.
I did not ask for this kink and nor can I do much about it. As it has been denied expression it simply grows in hunger and a demand to be expressed. There is no answer in denying its existence, either via my efforts to assure myself I will be all right (I won't), nor by my husband's going about our lives as if it did not exist and as if he has no part to play.
Further (and more truthful and explicit) therapy hopefully will hold the key as to where we go from here, but the simply truths are that:
1) I have a kink/fetish that requires a loving dominant in my life.
2) It doesn't go away by willing it to do so.
3) Either my partner in life is willing to accommodate my kink in his life or he is not.
4) I must make decisions about the rest of my life based on the above criteria.
I published the link to this post on my blog, I hope you don't mind, and I will remove it if you do. I feel like you could be writing about me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I want to give you something to think about.. I don't mean this to be hateful but I don't know how else to put this...it makes me sad when someone is so ready to leave after yrs..anyway think about this ..
ReplyDeleteI think in most wedding vows we vow to stay till death do us part...its not till you don't please ME anymore
little monkey: That's absolutely fine.
ReplyDeleteDaisy: You are welcome to your opinion. If I'm not someone who doesn't take my wedding vows seriously then I don't know who is. However, it is imperative that both parties work towards solutions. I've done just about all I can do on my own, and I am actually the ONLY person in my husband's life who cares enough about him to insist that he gets the help he needs. Sometimes, people need to understand that unless they make a change there are consequences for those non-outcomes - not at all my desired outcome but ultimately, something's gotta give. My husband would refer to it as a "paradigm shift". If you had any idea whatsoever of the strength of character and conviction required, you'd understand how necessary this is. There is simply NO WAY this situation can go on, health-wise. Would you feel any better about it if my husband went to an early grave with me standing my his side?
I found you via little monkey and I'm sorry to find you at such a bad time!
ReplyDeleteThis is a deep fear of mine and I can appreciate your decision. I hope to never find out what my choice would be.
Misty: I very much want my husband to be his old self, for us to be happy and to live out our lives together. I'm working towards that outcome in the best way I know.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your position. It is tough to deal with this. Someone commented about wedding wows and how they are meant to be until death, but I think that interpreting them this way is wrong. Asking your husband to make an effort to change is a legitimate request. If he was disabled or sick you would certainly not think about ending your marriage because something is missing. But, thank God there is nothing wrong with him, asking him seriously to put some additional effort to save a good thing is simply justified. I hope that things will turn out well.
ReplyDelete"Vows" not "wows"... :)
DeleteBut intriguing mistake this is. :)
David: Thanks for understanding my point of view. The last thing I would ever want is to separate but changes do need to be made.
ReplyDeleteI know. I also know that if my wife said that she would not submit to me anymore, many unthinkable options would appear. Divorce being one of them.
DeleteReading my heart and mind again, eh? I can only wish you and your husband the best.
ReplyDeleteSadly my husband will not try any longer.. so .. there I am -- not alone but not engaging with him, as I'd like to be.
I truly hope things go well for you both.
nancy
Nancy: Thank you so much for your understanding and your good wishes. We're currently trying to get away before Christmas and he's bound to be more relaxed, carefree and playful. Having work to do and being close with me is something he finds hard to do - as if he can't fit them both in - and I'm hoping that if he agrees to some treatment he'll come to see it not as much as an either/or situation as he thinks it is. My best to you.
ReplyDeleteMy perspective on this has changed over the years. In the beginning I thought that I was "wrong" to have a fetish and that I was obliged to struggle with it alone, within my marriage. Recently, like you, I have come to realize that I need to feel loved for all of me and I have found a way to be clear and truthful about that need while remaining sensitive to my wife's fears. My wife, for her part, has listened and recognized that a large part of the change in how we deal with my fetish must come from her. You have taken the first step in telling your husband how important this is to you, in terms that he cannot ignore or skirt around. Far from being wrong in doing what you have, you are entirely right: it would be a disservice to him and to you if you had continued to bear this pain alone. Now he is armed with all the facts and can act. Having empowered him it is now a matter of where he places his priorities. I wish you both the very best.
ReplyDeleteRollymo: You've been true to yourself and you have shared your heart. Whatever the outcome of that, it is hard for me to feel anything differently about it than to say that it is your best shot at living a life of peace, complete acceptance and complete love. Oddly, I am not battling complete love or complete acceptance. My husband accepts me for who I am and how I want to live. My issue is that he feels that he must protect us from the ravages of the financial world and in this private war that he runs within himself there is little time or room for sexual desire. Knowing that I have a need for his physical love and attention isn't going to be enough for him to make a change, I don't think. That would require some medical intervention of his condition (ADD) to give his brain a rest. Whether he pursues this sort of respite for himself is now up to him. I have led him down a path where he can safely seek that respite. It's 50:50 if he takes it up.
ReplyDeleteDavid: My submission, your dominance - they are fundamental elements of who we are. I'm sure it's almost unthinkable for you to imagine a lack of opportunity to express that aspect of yourself. Let's hope it never comes to that.
ReplyDeleteYou so very brave, my dear. My ex-husband's constant anger and anxiety, which he refused to get any help at all for, eventually led to him having a stroke. Luckily, it was a very mild one and did not leave him impaired, other than some nerve pain that he likely will deal with the rest of his life.
ReplyDeleteA stable home for children is one of the benefits of marriage. Once the children are grown, the marriage must benefit both parties in a somewhat equitable fashion, or there is no longer a need for it.
I struggled greatly with my decision to separate and file for divorce. It is not something I took lightly at all, for I took my vows very seriously. It was the correct decision for me, although I allowed our situation to become much worse, to the point where I feared being physically harmed, before I took steps to end it.
You are wise to be proactive. You are acting in your own best interests, and also that of your husband's. It is a kindness to him that you insist he seek help.
I only discovered my kink after I was already divorced, but now I see that I am hard wired that way. I cannot imagine having a future relationship with a man who is not a dominant, for I am a submissive. Fundamental elements indeed.
While I hope for an outcome where you and your husband can stay married and have your mutual needs met, you ultimately must do what you must do.
We only live this life once. I am 55 and understand now that it is brief indeed. To deny who we are, to be unable to express that, is not living at all.
All my best to you. Please get in touch with me if you need to chat. julygirlblog@gmail.com
Susan aka July Girl <3
Susan: This time next year my youngest son will graduate from school. I've been a stay at home Mum, devoted to their success as well rounded human beings who can go off and lead wonderfully happy and productive lives doing what matters to them. I have looked forward to this outcome for a very long time. To look ahead and see a future only half lived for myself after waiting this long to be a couple again and to thrive in this special time of our lives fills me with a sadness I dare not even explore too deeply. Thank you for your very supportive words and for sharing your story here. I'm attempting to get him the assistance he has needed for a very long time. I'll do all I can. I'm deeply touched by messages of support and kindness from all corners of the globe. That gives me a lot of strength. Thank you.
ReplyDelete